Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.