[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
March 16
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting