[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.