[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
You Might Also Like
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
It’s that simple 👊🏻
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
#Caturday
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly