[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster