Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad