[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls