Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.