Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever