[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

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Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.


Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.


*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin


*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*


“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.


Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.


Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.


You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]


I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.


[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress