@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

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@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

@_troyjohnson

*loads dryer*

Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@JustBeingEmma

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

@Dutch_50

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.