Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
They also CAN sing✌️