[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You Might Also Like
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses