[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You Might Also Like
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My birthstone is kidney
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button