[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.