[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
🔦🌙👣
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
my nickname in college
