Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?