Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Not all heroes wear capes…

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

i actually laughed 😩

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.