Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

*bites zombie*

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Can confirm.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!