Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.