Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!