god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
There’s only one good girl here!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
mood
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
“FRAAANCE!”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.