Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

channeling her this year

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.