Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Meanwhile in Canada…

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Oh my god

Lmao 🤣

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.