Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Lassie, get help!

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

*ernest hemingway voice*

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!