[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You Might Also Like
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My fantasy football season is going great
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding