‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby