[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Snapes on a plane.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Ugh
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Who called it baking and not making love
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.