[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
me when I see my crush
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Who chose this font
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”