[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Matt Goss
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin