Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

I can’t be the only one 😂

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Salad is the decaf of food.

#ProTip

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”