[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Hard not to take this personally
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin