Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”