Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.