God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order