God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30