Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*