Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?