Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman