Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

how it started vs how it ended

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Become ungovernable.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.