[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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#Caturday
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
How to draw a duck
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.