Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

If you need a laugh.. 😅

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.