Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

😂 amazing answer

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*