[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.