[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I don’t know what to do
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.