Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.