(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Just a friendly reminder!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Jurassic park gets weird
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.