(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Bringing back this classic
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ouch
