(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master