@OhNoSheTwitnt

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

@BigJDubz

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@girlnarly

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

@Vodkantots

Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.

@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@ArfMeasures

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

@androszr

If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?

@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.