@OhNoSheTwitnt

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@KylePlantEmoji

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

@WFLA

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

@bocxtop

“wHaT’s thAt taTtOo gONna looK liKE wHEn ur oLd” have u seen what old ppl look like normally? im not worried about it

@CorkyCrash

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@IamJackBoot

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.