[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.


[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol


Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.


Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”


if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured