Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person

Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Battery falling down a hole

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?