God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
fair
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Pat is about to own someone
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there