God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
i now pronounce you bounced.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.