Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

This is my emotional support knife.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…