Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.