[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee