@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

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@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

@Marlebean

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

@notviking

the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care

@skittle624

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@IamJackBoot

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

@TweetsByKaylee

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

@UnFitz

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.