@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

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@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

@kirkfox

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@TweetPotato314

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

@ObscureGent

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.