[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays