Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

We need it on priority

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

got so much cardio in today

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.