God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”