Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere