Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

There is no try. There is only give up.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses