god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure