Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most