god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Good morning y’all ☀️
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn