Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

🤣😂🤣

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens