Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.