Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.