GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
You Might Also Like
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
the composer